Narratives@najahnasseri.org

As my son is approaching toddlerhood, I found myself agonising over the next big step in his development. No, it’s not about imparting linguistic skills or mathematical acumen, because in the larger scheme of things, those are probably the simplest tasks to tackle. I found myself wondering about the values that Fische and I, as parents, plan nurture.

Values are big things. They vary from generation to generation, or so it seems. While I do believe that at the end of the day, we want for our children the same things that our parents wished for us, what is planned and what is achieved may be two horribly separate things.

The first lesson I learned from Idris is that he takes cue from what we do, and not from what we say. I guess this much should be obvious to all parents, but as our children’s language skills develop, it’s easy enough to forget that they will do as we do, and not as we say.

In the past few weeks, Fische and I have had some solemn conversations about our lives, and I guess the undertones of these conversations must not have been happy from a bystander’s perspective. The topics were serious and often, we even had hints of frustration and disappointment in our voices. We assumed that Idris, being so young, was a mere bystander in all this, till he too changed his babbling tone to a more serious and unhappy one.

Children know more than we give them credit for and as a former child myself, I know that the lessons with the most lasting impact were the ones observed, rather the lectures drilled down to us as children – which is why I’m so glad to have the parents and the family that I have, who taught me the things that I now know, by leading through example.

Being a parent today means taking the bits and pieces that were good about our childhood, and adding on values that may need more emphasis in today’s world. When “face” used to be a big thing in our parents’ generation, a quick survey with other young parents showed that we prefer that humility and honesty precede that Asian concept in our parenting context. I wanted to make a personal list of values that Fische and I will have to “figure out” when it comes to Idris, but Jenne’s list is already quite comprehensive.

Personally, I’d like to raise my son to be tolerant – when he was born, he already ‘inherited’ a myriad of ‘adopted’ family members from all races and walks of life who love him without prejudice and I’m hoping that they will stick around long enough to impart the values I found so beautiful in them, so beautiful that I’m more than happy to call them family.

I’d like my son to be true to himself, because that’s the only way to live really.

I’d like him to keep an open mind, about life, about the world around him, and about himself, because as mere mortals, there will always be something that we still need to learn, and there will always be something that we will be wrong about.

Most of all, I’d like to be a good mother – one who knows when to catch him and when to let go. One whom he can look back on, and be proud of, just as I would be proud of him.

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Please spare some time to pray for Nazrah’s mom and family. May they get the strength to get through this difficult time.